Connecting in difficult conversations
A difficult moment…
A director position, reporting directly to me, opened up, and Jonathan was the next in line. He was extremely intelligent and hardworking, and he knew the company / industry inside and out. He had been in his role for a few years and had started reporting directly to me about three months prior, when his direct manager left. While he never directly expressed interest, my gut told me that he wanted the role. I had to decide whether to promote Jonathan or look outside the company for someone new. I looked over the feedback from his peers about him, as well as my own observations from working with him. I made the decision. It was obvious that a difficult conversation was about to happen which will be a lesson for both me and Jonathan.
Here is how the conversation went.
Me: Hey Jonathan, I need to speak with you about the director role hiring next steps. I have decided on how to proceed and I want to share with you first and get your thoughts.
Jonathan: Sure, I am curious about how you are moving forward.
Me: As you know, we need to grow the business by at least 15% in the Atlanta region. I have opened up a job req to hire someone from outside. I am still not sure if you wanted this role, but I wanted to share this with you first. Of course, I do really want you to continue in your current role. What are your thoughts?
Jonathan: (paused for a few seconds) Not sure what to say. I assumed that I will get this role.
Me: (crap…I said to myself) I am glad you are sharing this with me but I will like to understand more about why you made an assumption. You didn't show any interest towards it.
Jonathan: I have been in my role for 2 years now. I thought you will make me the director automatically.
Me: I understand where you are coming from. I'm sorry that we have a disconnect. I should have done a better job understanding your expectations when this role opened up. At the same time, I wish you had made your intentions clear to the organization and to me earlier. While I admit that I should have talked about this earlier (I screwed up too), let me share my perspective. I respect your technical knowledge and capabilities immensely. You've done an incredible job in delivering to clients. However, the key responsibility for this role is developing $5M in new business in the South East region. While you have the technical knowledge, I have not seen a clear passion and hustle for business development. What are your thoughts?
Jonathan: I am disappointed
Me: Tell me more
Jonathan, who had been reluctant to share his feelings with me in the past, opened up about his challenges in developing new business. I could feel his disappointment. He shared with me how he had struggled with this aspect of the role, and how he had wanted to leave the company. Then after sharing his thoughts for another 30 minutes, Jonathan admitted that his passion was not in business development. Instead, he wanted to focus on product or technical practice development. It was an ‘aha’ moment for both of us. I committed to him that I will look for product management opportunities for him in the organization that suits your skills. I realized that I might lose Jonathan, but in the long term it will serve him well.
In a few follow-on meetings, we talked more openly as we were also building trust. He did tell me that he will be looking for a Product Management role. After helping onboard the new director, Jonathan left for a different company in next 5 months. He took over as the Director of Product Management !! It was a very amicable separation. As he was leaving, he told me that he learned a few lessons from our conversations, particularly the one about demonstrating intention and leaving nothing to chance.
I had to admit, that I learned 2 key lessons lesson as well. First is to push for crucial conversations early and leave nothing left unasked and unsaid. Second, I should have given him more feedback when I started to work with him.
These days Jonathan and I talk once a month for an hour at least about his career and broader industry.
8 steps to connect in a difficult conversation:
Bring the best yourself. If you are rushed, stressed or upset. STOP. Observe your breathing. Your tone and body language is more important than the message.
Visualize a positive state. Picture an appreciative customer, a thankful employee, or a friend who feels acknowledged. Thoughts manifest the desired state.
Do your homework. Prepare using available data and facts about the situation. If needed, learn about the other party including their background, history etc. Prepare for at minimum 15 min for a 30 min meeting.
Bring an intention to understand. Be curious, be caring, be respectful.
Ask open ended questions to understand their concerns and solutions they have to offer.
Summarize their thoughts back to them.
Listen, don’t defend and don’t lead with fixing.
Master your emotions. Be analytical, not emotional. Don’t lose your head while the other party might be losing theirs. Frustration and anger cuts off options. Two thirds of the conversations go sideways because emotions take over.
Pause 1-2-3. Collect yourself about half way into the meeting for 3-5 seconds. Observe your breathing. Check your internal compass.
Transparent messaging with Empathy. Authentic messaging is about being both listening and also being heard.
Use evidence to discuss benefits to the other party.
Solve for the big picture. Don’t just solve for today.
Summarize what is agreed upon before ending the conversation. Get the other party to say “I agree” or “That’s right”. Pay attention to their tone and body language to make sure they align with their words. If they don't, it is okay to call out any hesitations and re-validate.