Defuse an argument in 3 seconds

When we argue, we are tied to our point of view. We feel that our way is the only way, and that there are no other ways. This results in a lack of connection, because there are no places where we can meet in the middle. We try to persuade others to our side, but this only makes them defensive. This ironically creates further barriers to their listening.

I remember being in a heated argument with a cousin about why people become overweight. I was tied to the belief that food plays a bigger role while my cousin focused on genetics as a cause. We both were getting frustrated and talking past each other as the tempers flared. I finally said “you are dead wrong” and the conversation died quickly.

I was not aware that my uncle was watching us. He approached me once I was alone, and said, “Never say ‘you are wrong’ to someone if you want them to actually listen to you. You have to understand their perspective. Otherwise, you're just having a loud argument that will never end." It became obvious as my cousin and I became more frustrated, we felt more strongly about our opinions, which made it harder for us to connect and see each other’s positions.

Start with an intention to understand and connect. When you feel that you are losing connection with the other party, stop making your point. Pause for 3 seconds! Take a deep breath. Then restart the conversation with an intention to understand and connect. Ask yourself the questions, “how can we start to understand each other more”. Replace the judgement with empathy. Replace the urge to convince with curiosity. Replace the criticism with a desire to listen. Replace the monologue with a dialogue.

When we view things as right/wrong or consider conflicts as dangerous, we defend, blame or judge. We have to change our views. Views determine intentions and intentions mold experiences.

Some questions to ask:

• Tell me more about what you are thinking?

• Why do you think that is important?

• Can you explain what do you mean by that?