Don't offer advice unless asked

Sometimes people just want to be heard and they don't want you to give them advice.

David & I

My friend David called me about a disagreement he had with his wife about finances. His wife wanted to buy a new car but he was not comfortable adding another loan to the household. After some argument, they were at an impasse. I wanted to step in and give advice, but he stopped me. "I am not expecting you fix the problem” he said. “But, why not?” I asked him. “I want you to listen,” he added sternly.

“Tell me more”, I blurted out anxiously. He started to open up and share what was really going on. He wasn’t really against a new car, as the current car was getting old. He didn’t like the amount of debt his family was already in. Plus, he wanted to take his family on a nice vacation. He wasn’t sure how he should bring this up with his wife again. Suddenly, he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” I asked. “A few months ago, she talked about a vacation. She didn’t seem happy because we haven’t taken one in over three years. But it sounds like what she really wanted was to buy a new car to use for a driving vacation as she used to do while growing up. I got caught up in the argument over the car, but I realize that what she really wants is for us to go on a vacation together. It’s not about the car at all.” After an hour of talking, David could see what was really going on. He decided to talk to his wife about taking a vacation first, and they could talk about the car once they had an agreement about taking a vacation. He called me back in a week to let me know how it all went.

Be a sounding board

It is so easy to jump in with advice when you hear conflict. Just remember, when in doubt, ask permission. Help them come up with solutions. There is nothing more annoying than someone who tells you what to do. When you are giving advice, try to get the person you are giving it to to come up with some of their own solutions.

Ask them about their options. "What are some things you can do to get this resolved?" Let them tell you what they are thinking as a way forward. Sometimes the best way to get people to hear your advice is to get them to make some of their own.